Tiny Finger Point Hand With Heart pandaroma: July 2016




25 July 2016

Grief

This is my first experience of losing someone so important in my life. My grandma. It felt so surreal. Initially I was so shocked to hear this news. They could be kidding me, couldn't them?! I keep on denying the truth. The sharp memories of her last call with my mum recalled in my mind. Their last phone conversation was about her telling the doctor about her tiredness when doing household chores, but instead she told the doctor she wad tired doing "home work". My mum laughed at her choice of word. It was a typical daily conversation, we all thought. Then after 2 hours, grandpa described how frozen my grandma was. She was immortally cold. That's when she passed away, peacefully in her sleep..
We thought we could wait for this upcoming September to pay or grandparents a visit as they were anticipating for it, especially my grandma. But why, why so suddenly our last face-to-face meeting is at my hometown, facing her corpse.. we were all devastated. It's hard, I know. Death is really really unpredictable, inevitable. No one knows when is your last time with someone. Even the greatest person will face it, someday. We all can't see through the impending death. So we all tend to be selfish, self-centered. Because we take things for granted. Now, it's no use to cry over a split milk. There will forever be an empty spot in this heart puzzle. Incomplete yet emptiness surged in my heart. And those weren't just tears flowing down. Those were tears of regret, tears with a meaningful of memories. Heart aches. It's a really hard process to move on. That's life. Every incident teaches us a lesson. There's no use crying. We should be strong. After all, it's one part of a process in life.

Today I've kinda recovered from this trauma. Maybe, it's time to move on. Trials are really near. I need to gain positivity and reconciliate from the shock. I've accepted this. My grandmother will always be in my heart. Because good people will be remembered.. those memories will be treasured forever and I'm gonna mourn over the loss.
It's gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be okay.

And I didn't go to school today. Sleep deprived, and the reason behind it was obvious. So, yes it's alright. At least this is something I did to play the role of her granddaughter.

The old memories still imprinted vividly in my memory lane. Let bygones be bygones, for there's a future to go!!

16 July 2016

Why ...

There are times when I have a strong urge to give up everything. It's a devastating moment when you didn't reap what you sow. I'm really disappointed with all stuff around me. Where are you guys when I need you the most? I can't even reach your messages when it's an emergency! I am really really disappointed. At least one of you apologize... I can't really blame you guys fully either. But nothing can really make me feel better after you gave me a reason that you were sleeping the entire time! I know I'm busting out my emotions now. I do think of giving up. But we had come so far till the point where we need to pass a round to be qualified into the finals. Then every responsibility pushed towards me. I had to do everything. I made sacrifices just to think of a suitable caption for the whole day! Just then I realised how long I havent touch my homework and revisions! For a whole day with no product, it's completely a waste! Damn trial exam is near! And I'm angry at myself for being such a dumbass for doing things that could cost me a lot of time. In the end I get nothing but only lost the time. I had lots of topics to cover up..... and recently my grades are dropping freaking rapidly. I don't know why but this sucks- I'm bad at time management and I'm procrastinating all the time!

Stupid me!! If there's ever an Oscar award for procrastinators, I would be nominated! I felt so damn guilty.... sorry that I've let you guys down..... I'm not as good as you think!!!

Another thing is when we attended a workshop this morning, I think i'm the only girl in the group who do things seriously. Then the rest are literally chatting and busying themselves with their phones. Some even looked at you the entire process, without providing any help. My friend helped me, but reluctantly. They complaint how wrong they were to select this workshop and they wished to join the bio workshop instead of this. They're really unhappy this entire process and told me not to be too serious in this. They viewed this event as something fun to pass time lol. Perhaps they didn't value the essence of that project. Me being the team leader was really disappointed to see these "uncollaborative" and lacking teamwork when in the midst of busying they all were gone out of sight! After finishing up some came to help us and the rest.... unbelievably took out their phones and snapped the project we, the minorities  made. Such a pathetic human being.
After all these hard works there's nothing in return... at least we got some snacks =_=
All I can say is I'm tired of this shit happening around me. Dealing with it sucks!!

I tend to complain a lot lol * bear with me

12 July 2016

Numb

So the result is finally announced. I checked for any possibilities of my name to appear on that particular page, but my attempt proved futile. There's no trace of my name, meaning I've officially lost a great opportunity. Well, I do feel disappointed, but at the same time, I'm relieved. Relieved for the mass that had suppressed me for the past few weeks is finally over. Relieved that I won't be spending my time waiting nervously for the result and imagining impossible things. Nothing can really help this situation. There are 2 possibilities, either you lose or win. The former one is my current outcome. Maybe it's time for me to move on and forget about those ridiculous illogical dreams and go back to  face the reality. It's high time..... anyways, I'm glad to experience the 2nd interview in my life. Both of my interviews were awesome. I'm glad. There's more to come and hopefully I'll be adapted to the upcoming interviews.

06 July 2016

@

During this not-so-long holiday, I tend to realise that there's a lot of knowledge I'm lack of. I thought I could remember the facts and formulas but when I recall those equations, there's a black space in my mind. This makes me feel so helpless, especially when I realised the biggest day is yet to be come. I'm quite scared, to the point that I don't know where to start my revision. It could be the consequence of my playfulness or ignorance for incoming knowledge. I'm here to remind myself: there's no much time left. This may be the last year for u to achieve ur dream.. lastly I hope I can get rid of my bad habits- nonetheless the procrastinating habit!!