Change

Often people says changing is a necessary process for growth. But sometimes, changing could be a bad thing. I think I'm not the once-honest person anymore... As much as I don't wanna admit it, but it's true- I helped others to lie/ lied to others so that the truth is protected. This is defying my own conscience. But I can't do anything just to tell the truth. The truth would upset the other person... So I chose to lie. I hate hiding the truth... 

And I hate the current me... I had trouble controlling myself. I have been pissed off over a small matter of problem and raged at nonsense. I felt so unmotivated to do anything... just staring at the TV screen lying on the couch, not finding a decent job to earn money and experiences like the norms. I hate being so useless, like a piece of junk along the roadside. I've wasted so much time doing nothing, great. Now what... it's almost the end of month and I still got zero moola and experience, yay me. (rolls eyes) 

I don't know what I'm feeling... I had no kick of motivation now. / _____ /   

March

It's already the month where I'll likely experience a wide range of emotions. My driving lessons went off pretty okay, and I'm finally signing up for the mandatory exam! Auntie, like FINALLY, acknowledges my driving skill. That's a good news for me. Everyday I would wake up early to hone my driving skill at the institution. I was sleeping all the way there. Sorry, I'm way too tired. While waiting for my turn to drive a car, my friends were finding ways to kill time. We were quite desperate cause the idling is driving us insane! Almost everyone bring their own ear pods, power banks, and even food to make the waiting time more interesting. While there's me at the other side: staring at other students controlling the car under the unpredictable weather, idling like an idiot and watching at my friend playing game apps. Life at the institution couldn't be more lacklustre... But then, as I am comparing my life at the institution with my life at house doing nothing, I'd rather choose the former option. At least that's the best way to kill time: you gotta learn something everyday. Not just lying on the couch, rotting and doing all those household chores your mom is nagging about.

Don't even remind me of the upcoming 16/3. It's gonna be the worst day in our high school life- It's the release of #SPM2016 result!! I'm not mentally prepared to accept my result knowing that I screwed up in that exam. My heart aches whenever I recalled those moments. I don't wanna know the result. I'm hella afraid!! The result will surely not meet anyone's expectations. People around me are always having the mindset that I'm one of the top students in my batch. You know, expectations are scary, when reality doesn't come in what you had expected. I had a terrible experience in it. I don't wanna relive those foolish moment when I actually come up with a short route to complete my revision. That's the worst decision ever!! Okay enough of the anxiety, I hope I would find a suitable study path within the release of the damn result. That is in my top priority list. 

New update

It's been ages since my last update on this blog. Now I had driving lessons and hopefully I can master how to control a manual operated car and get that P-license. FYI, my driving instructor is a female instead of the norm- a male. I guess all the driving instructor are the same after all, regardless of their sex. They are impatient and guess what, since we're Asians they expect the best out of us, the beginner who had positively zero knowledge on handling a manual operated vehicle. After a couple of lessons (3 to be exact), I barely familiarize with those basic handling skills such as changing gears. Aunty instructed me which way to turn, and is always yelling at me for my silly mistakes. Basically I had no idea which way to turn as I was busy changing gears and stepping on the pedals. Luckily, yesterday I didn't get much complain from aunty except being a slow response driver. I'm glad!!

Recently Facebook has updated to a newer version which looks like the new Instagram. The main point is I'm SHOOK to know it's recent hidden features for stalking- You can now stalk a person thoroughly without their knowing. It means users let their guards down and is prepared to get stalked by someone you never heard of! It honestly CREEPS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. Especially when a stranger checked out which photos you had commented on. I felt guilty as I had liked so much pictures of erm... kpop idols that is hot? >.< And made the impression of others than I'm a byuntae XD

And for the first time this year, I drank coffee. I was never a fan of this beverage because it tastes bitter. It's a big deal for me because I felt elated while typing this and my heartbeat was faster than it would normally pump. And I became nervous and kinda having sweat. I don't think I would drink coffee again. Sorry not sorry, I prefer beverages without caffeine. I felt I had a nervous breakdown after consuming a cup of it. No way I'm gonna drink that again.

Nightmare

I don't know if watching goblin is the inspiration of this nightmare I had experienced last night. Yesterday I dreamt of the process of dying. And I somehow remembered a little of it. What could that be if dreaming such thing? I'm afraid of it!! Never in my dreams be that horror before.

New year

Its already 2.12am, 1st of January 2017. Back then, we used to celebrate my late grandma's birthday by calling her over the phone. Now, there is only new year celebration for us. 2016 was a tough year. I kept on falling sick especially on days before important events. During my trial exam, I had major problem of hives. My whole body was really itchy and uncomfortable so my exam performance was terrible. My head kept on aching while studying. My spm was done more terrible than what I had expected. Sometimes I had dramas, isolation, depression and loneliness, thinking that I'm not part of the class community. I did not engage myself in social works and sports.. which makes my koku achievement to be less.
But hey, on the good side, I've befriended with someone I dislike in the past. After years of avoiding her, I finally talked things over with her and we became friends again.
I learnt to know people who truly care for me while I was feeling unwell. They do helped me to get through the toughest moment in my life. Thank you so much guys. You meant a lot to me. Hueyying tried her best to comfort me when I was mourning the loss of my grandma. Kalsing who urged me to take care when j had hives.. Xinmin who still stay by my side. Yaxing for being the best deskmate and helped me to take my homework when I was sick. And all those people I met throughout my form 4 and form 5 years. From strangers to close buddies. You know who you are :) there's a lot of things I want to say..
It has been a tough year. At least I survived. We survived. Here's to a better year ahead!