Almost a victim

I'm almost a fraud victim. It all started with selling my storybook at mudah.my , but it's not the website's fault though, but it's the buyers who are giving me a chilling sense!
First I received a whatsapp message from a totally foreigner who introduced me that he's from UK and he's been looking for this book for a long time. He asked for me to snap any other storybooks I have and he wants to buy all with a high price. It sounds fishy. I wasted 4 hours dealing with that buyer. He wants me to go to the ATM asap to bank in RM650 for the so-called "activation fee". Luckily I didn't fall into his trap as I've managed to ask a seller at facebook about selling things to overseas. The seller advised me not to trust the buyer as it sounds ridiculous to pay such high price for a mere storybook. I was save from this trouble.

Then, two days later, which is today, I received 2 interested buyers who are as well interested in buying the storybook. The former was from USA so my first instinct was to shoo him away. The latter was a local phone number so I thought he/she is really from Malaysia and are interested in buying the book. I gave it a try. He/she asks me if I could ship it to Kedah and I replied, providing my bank account number, name and email. Then, a few hours later, I received an email from my spam box. It is from Credit Union bank and the bank asks for me to pay RM400 as the buyer overpaid. Then I grew suspicious and googled the bank. The official page of the bank has declared a statement regarding the online fraud. Then I realised I had almost make a mistake. Luckily I google searched, or not I'll be the next victim of these damn scammers!!

In fact, I found something wrong. Typing the exact phone number into wechat and searching for the user profile, it does not match with the name who "banked in" to my account. The name used to bank in my account is a Chinese name, but in his/her wechat, it's not a Chinese name. And he/she wants to buy 2 books, but in the item list there's only 1. This is so damn wrong. Caught ya scammer!!

I personally advise people who intend to sell things on mudah.my to take extra caution on the buyers. Never deal with someone who make you have a weird instinct, especially foreign numbers. Please do it by COD if possible. That's safer. Don't be the next victim!!!

post-exam

Now that SPM is finally over, I had loads of free time. I spent most of my time watching dramas, idling, scrolling through network platforms and thinking. I was considering to take car lessons during this holiday so that I could drive wherever I want. But first, we need to take the undang exam. And I planned to find a job, merely just to experience what does it feel like to work out of my comfort zone. Nope, I haven't search for a suitable job yet. My mom insists us to complete the household chores as promised before the exam. She is all nagging. I admit that I have a bad temper. You know, when things don't go along your way, you get frustrated. I wished to do my favourite things and travel during this long-term break. There's a lot of things in my to-do list, which I anticipate to do before my exam. However, I think the suddenly disappeared burden affects my mood to kickstart my plan. I became so unmotivated to do those plans in my wishlist. 

Almost everyday I slept very late, as a student. Sometimes I sleep at 3a.m. just by surfing through Facebook and Instagram. Then I woke up at almost 12pm. I have no idea what makes me so energized during the night. 

And I'm scared of my future. I honestly don't know where I will be in the next few months. Maybe a SPM cert would determine my future pathway. My future seems so bleak. I had no idea where to study after this and I doubt my choice in choosing the right subject for me to study. And there's financial problem when it comes to furthering my studies. I'm self-conscious of this problem and probably would not attend colleges which offered too expensive course. I don't know local or private college is better, in terms of anything other than the fees. 

Right... scholarships can grant more financial aids for us. But I'm not confident in my to-be-released SPM results. You may say I'm a pro in study, but I don't think so. I have no idea why I was so nervous while facing the SPM exam. I screwed up, especially in BM and Sejarah, where both subjects are mandatory for a SPM cert. No, I'm not afraid of failing these subjects, but I doubt if I would get at least a B. There's some kind of a premonition twisting inside me right after I exit the exam hall. I'll definitely flunk the entire subject! 

I knew I had problems in time management during the exam, but I had always managed to do every subjects and recheck for every exams I've attended. But not this time. During SPM BM Paper1, we were required to write 2 essays. For the longer essay, I seriously screwed it up. Not that I don't have contents to elaborate, but I've spent overtime sketching the important points and decorating the sentence with lots of bombastic words and admiring them( lol) In the end, when the invilgator announced that we only had 10 more minutes, I began panicking. My hands were seriously trembling and I could not hold a proper pen. I begin to write my essay. Yes you heard that right. I SPENT THE LAST 10 MINS TO WRITE A MORE THAN 350 WORDS ESSAY WORTH 100 MARKS. Sounds fucked up right? In the end I wrote 3 isi and tadah, hand my paper to the kind invilgator who waited for me to complete my ending. (I implored him to give me a few mins so he just stood there waiting to collect the last piece of paper) Geez. I'm really worried for my BM result because :

1 I didn't even decorate my essay with bombastic words which I usually do

2 My handwriting were messy. I couldn't read it properly 

3 I had too few points. They want at least 4 points but I only wrote 3 (fml)

4 Why I'm so stupid in terms of time management

5 I think my trial result went off better than the actual exam

6 My friends who wrote the same topic had different points with mine

Not to flaunt my BM result but I got an A in my trial exam. 85 marks to be exact. This was my biggest achievement in this subject. Many people were putting high hopes on me but I felt so sorry for them. I've let myself down. And for now I don't even want to know my actual results, although I had a bad feeling for my language subjects especially BM and Sejarah.....

It's a tough week and I survived, at least. I had enough of studying non-stop before exam. It's tiring! I hope I can get a decent result though, just with a little bit of hope. I knew I did not give it all during this exam. I could do better. Just because I didn't study when the SPM countdown days are far. 

SPM is actually not a hard exam. It's just the last-minute studying habits that challenges us to complete the syllabus in such a short time. Shamely, I procrastinated and studied at the eleventh hour, especially Sejarah! Sejarah is by far my weakest subject as I did not really study and memorise it. 

Alright, I had no hopes for this exam. It's actually very wicked compared to past years. I admit that our batch faced a challenging exam format. Yea, SPM for this year was surely not easy (for me) 

Exam

Alright, three more subjects to go. Well don't ask me how's everything going. Cause its a mess. This is my first time experiencing such helpless feeling. No matter how much I've studied, the exam is way more harder than expected. I'm utterly disappointed with my performance doing the past papers. I've done with all my might but its still hard.. my addmaths was done careless. Sigh. It's really really difficult. My confidence decreased because I know the following papers will also be that hard.
I'm mentally tired. Tired from expecting everything from the spotted questions to come out in the exam but nothing did.
Lessons learned from the past. Never trust spotted questions too much.
And don't rely on tips. It's a bad habit. This was my experience. Just don't. Do everything, read everything and try to understand everything. Spm is a vicious exam. The questions are just out of mind. You can't even think of what it'll come out on the actual day. I hope everything will be okay soon. My mind is drained by continuous surprises from the exam. I'm tired of being a lab rat. Just... I hope the whole graph will be adjusted so things will not turn out to be that bad..

I also wish my Sejarah could at least achieve a C. This was a painful lesson as I trusted KBAT questions will come out. But It didn't. No more bonus marks. Hope was fading.

Its okay. The past is already the past, let bygones be bygones. Inhale the damn future, exhale the past. Everything's going to be all right. We need to fight with all our might to win this battle called spm. All the hardships will be valuable. Its okay, one day the pain will fade away. Yeah.

D day is coming

3 more days and I'll face the most important exam in my secondary school life. That's the mark of the end of my greatest youth. And the start of a tiring college life. I can't believe how fast time flies. A moment I were just enrolling into form 1, knowing nothing much about the school I stepped in. Then in these 5 years, I learnt a lot. I dealt with many friendship problems, including heartbreak, quarrel, misunderstanding and not being friends anymore. There are some times I wonder my studying ability. There are people who admired my academics and some even jealous of it (?) by not able to believe my results. Damn. Those were the days I lived my life so freaking suck. I've always thought of exam as another practice. Maybe that's the key I'm calm coz I'm just doing my homework.
Now I'm rushing to study history, which is by far my worst subject. I don't know what to trust. Online tips and spot questions are surely alluring but I don't know the validity of it.
So how....
I hope I can do things smoothly. Please, pray for me and all of those who are going to have exam as well.

?

I often question myself, is it worth it? Sleep deprived. I just got sleep for 4 hours on average. The next day I'm all sleepy and tired. Not that I'm pulling an all nighter, but I'm basically wasting my life. Fuck... I hate my time management . I have no skills.

Depressed

Well... that feeling you get when u think your world is falling apart...
There's limited time left until the final countdown of the actual exam. And I've realised that I still have many topics left to be covered. I doubt if I will be able to cover all of them and enforce them within this 13 days. This drives me mad and depressed. What exactly have I done for the past few months? Nothing. Nothing useful to improve my academic skills. And I acted arrogant and ignorant to the incoming knowledge. Now that the time is so limited, I started to be panicky. This is so unusual of me. I was so calm and collected before any exam. Because I knew there are things I don't know. It sucks. There's no use crying over split milk. But hey, there's still the final 13 days. I think I still got a tinge of hope, not much, but there still exist. Maybe I can't fly at all. Maybe I'll just touch the sky... I don't know. Looking and witnessing my friend's effort and hard work makes me feel guilty. I'm so damn regretted now. I hate myself for wasting time over Facebook and social media websites all day. Imma big procrastinator. I hate myself for that. You got no time left. It's now or never! Spm is your future. It's your final hope. Or else things choose you, not you choose things. I hate this reality. I hate reality. Reality sucks. It makes dream, a dream. Fuck. I'm living in a world of fantasies. Revolving around my comfort zone. Maybe its time to escape from all this crap. I need motivation. Please give me strength to continue my journey.

Hope

There'll be challenges in our lives. What matters is how we overcome it and yes, how we view them- whether it's an opportunity to build up your character, or a an adverse toxic that will lead you to deterioration. In short, we are living in our own thoughts. The problem will not be vaporized in thin air when you decide to look at it with one eye. It still exists. Try look at the problem with courage, as that will lead you to eventually solving it. After we view things positively, and not find evil in every rocks, our life will be easier. Solved much of the problems and difficulties.

Actually what I'm trying to convey is related to what happened to me. I cared too much for what people think about me. And I'm afraid to take a step. There are always a person in your so called friendship circle who'd piss you off. And there's one in mine. I don't know why, but we always have different opinions in everything. Its that person's forte to oppose every opinion I stated. I don't know why but its damn annoying. Instructing people to obey you. We looked like we're close but we weren't. Your words, they hurt. I know I have flaws, but you emphasize them again, by starting the usual string of words:"You always...." oh please, can you filter your choice of words? It's so annoying. And knowing I have weakness when comes to friendship problems, u seemed to take advantage to go against me. Well, I became discouraged thanks to you. Knowing the exam is approaching, is that the way you defeat me? Befriending a person and then destroy them? If that's how you plan to do, I would say, you're a pathetic human being. No person should destroy other person. You're mentally bringing me down.

And yeah, I'm not going to allow you to keep me down. Maybe you're the basic weird people in my life. Without you, I can still have friends and enjoy life.

Just an advice: be brave. Reject what will drown you down. Learn to say no. Follow your institutions. And learn more to be us, not me. Don't let others bring you down. You are one unique person. Control your own life and always open the door for fake friends to go and welcome new ones to in.

I still have less than one month's time to fix things right. I can do it. Hope that I can overcome every adversity gleefully. When life knocks you down seven times, stand up eight times!

Hope

There'll be challenges in our lives. What matters is how we overcome it and yes, how we view them- whether it's an opportunity to build up your character, or a an adverse toxic that will lead you to deterioration. In short, we are living in our own thoughts. The problem will not be vaporized in thin air when you decide to look at it with one eye. It still exists. Try look at the problem with courage, as that will lead you to eventually solving it. After we view things positively, and not find evil in every rocks, our life will be easier. Solved much of the problems and difficulties.

Actually what I'm trying to convey is related to what happened to me. I cared too much for what people think about me. And I'm afraid to take a step. There are always a person in your so called friendship circle who'd piss you off. And there's one in mine. I don't know why, but we always have different opinions in everything. Its that person's forte to oppose every opinion I stated. I don't know why but its damn annoying. Instructing people to obey you. We looked like we're close but we weren't. Your words, they hurt. I know I have flaws, but you emphasize them again, by starting the usual string of words:"You always...." oh please, can you filter your choice of words? It's so annoying. And knowing I have weakness when comes to friendship problems, u seemed to take advantage to go against me. Well, I became discouraged thanks to you. Knowing the exam is approaching, is that the way you defeat me? Befriending a person and then destroy them? If that's how you plan to do, I would say, you're a pathetic human being. No person should destroy other person. You're mentally bringing me down.

And yeah, I'm not going to allow you to keep me down. Maybe you're the basic weird people in my life. Without you, I can still have friends and enjoy life.

Just an advice: be brave. Reject what will drown you down. Learn to say no. Follow your institutions. And learn more to be us, not me. Don't let others bring you down. You are one unique person. Control your own life and always open the door for fake friends to go and welcome new ones to in.

I still have less than one month's time to fix things right. I can do it. Hope that I can overcome every adversity gleefully. When life knocks you down seven times, stand up eight times!

Bangtanned

Yep. I'm having bangtan fever now~ I kept on listening to their songs and of course, hitting the replay button on 'blood sweat and tears' MV xD omg, their songs are already looping inside my brain without any efforts. If this awesome ability can be applied on my academic memorizing skills, I would be a top scorer already! I'm getting bangdamned! Lol

I wanna find an opportunity to scream, or any means to release tension. Today the homework comes like a bomb, so damn many!!! Imagine, there's 10 subject and each subject consists of at least 2 sets of papers. Oh my gosh my god how am I supposed to finish em all during the stipulated 25days?? Omg... don't ever remind me that its already 25 days... time flies so damn fast. I wish I could love myself.. by stop procrastinating.. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry xD well can't get over their songs yet, told ya I'm drunk without alcohol lol!!!

Cypher part 4 is awesome as always~ but my favourite cypher series is part3!! The instrument and the rap and the contents are blended perfectly!! <3 them so much lol Idk why, maybe I'm stressed out~ hahaha HAHAHA

You made me begin~~~ xD

..pathetic

Well, what a messy situation I'm in. My mom complains that we're too lazy to do household chores, but hey, I did some!!!! You just acknowledge what I did when I'm idling. Then u don't bother what I did. What a great mom lol. When I'm using my phone u guys complain and wanted me to stop using phone. But geez, this is the way I destress okay? I don't have any options. I know life is hard for everyone of us, especially when u didn't have to do household chores at the beginning. But now everyone lost a helping hand and need to do household chores. U get frustrated when ur things can't be done and then pour out all ur feelings to us. Dafuq? And now I got help u and u tell me I'm lazy and ure waiting for the spm days. And u said after we exam we can help her to do household chores. I got do on daily basis. But I don't know why, u seem to like cleaning way too much lol. U want every corner spotless. No way. You always have a negative mindset and tried to influence us. Toxic behavior they say. And now I think i found what course I probably would take in college, but alas, u blocked my path again. Yea I would admit our family isn't rich, maybe moderate only, so can't afford to send us to college. I know that.. but what can be done? Scholarship, I told her tht.. she is uncertain of my ability to maintain the scholarship.. so maybe I'll end up staying at home helping u ouT lol.. don't know lol.. that's the problem about the road to realising ur dream, moola is the key.
And in my case, we don't have moola.
Whatever..
Let the final result to determine my future..
Since u don't want to invest some for my future?
Maybe I'm not matured enough to consider economic factor.. maybe I should listen to u by simply joining any course offered that I don't even like.

Closer

Woah, time really flies. The camp is already 4 days ago. I think I found my future pathway through this camp. It's something I find fun and are passionate to do. Maybe that's why I felt no chemistry  when dealing with other subjects. At last I know what course I'm going to take. However, the private college fees r quite expensive for an average-income family like mine.. and yeah, they do offer us scholarships, but I'm not confident that I'll be able to do extremely well to get the scholarship. I felt really bad for myself. I also felt guilty for procrastinating all the time. My trial results are ruined by the stupid C+, the English subject. Otherwise my result will be only A's and some B's. I need 5 more mark to upgrade my English into B. Goddamnit, I think I just offended the eng teacher that she would give me this kind of mark. It is totally unacceptable. I usually got marks way higher than that. Ever since this new one replaces my old teacher, she wants us to do her works. And damn, I think I'm a victim, since I sit at the first row, my facial expressions are the major problem contributing to this damn mark. Lol I dislike english because of that old woman. Thank you very much for ruining my trial result. I so damn appreciate ur effort to decrease my mark.

And btw, it's a bless that she's not going to mark our papers in the actual exam. Otherwise, I gotta be fake as hell and treat her nicely to push up my eng marks lol, which will be my last option. I always wanna have a serious study session especially in my weak subjects. Sejarah. Nope, actually I've forgotten most of the subjects anyway. So damn get ur lazy butt off from Korean dramas. Stay away from stalking oppas! Geez I'm damn lazy. I don't know what I'm doing every day. Wasting time even though its gonna exam soon. Later I'll be regret. Yeah.
Spm final countdown:49 days. U know, the freaking 49 days! Omfgggg!! What am I still doing in my life? Quit ur bullshit activities and get ur arsehole ready for the final exam shit!! Oh shit I'm wasting my time now I know but damn there's one Korean web drama that caught my eyes starring chanyeol as the main lead!! Omg why awesome dramas keep ongoing during this peak of time???/? Haiz

I need to wake up. I need to work hard from now on. You gotta do this!!!!!! Urgh I think I'm going to have a hiatus!!! From all the bullshits, friendshits, workshits and all the form of shits!!! Lol what a usage. But I don't care anymore. I'm gonna produce the best result and I'm taking this challenge. Damn.

Don't be like me. The procrastinator who always regret for her decision.

To all the readers, don't waste ur time anymore or u 'll be like me, having the screwed up life. I wonder if anyone is gonna read this but fuck, just read it quietly xD I'm gonna start my plan now. Dream big. Don't live in a regretful life. Damn.

Emotional people

What are you planning to do, dude?
Always being so butthurt
As if the whole world offends you
And that overwhelmed actions you'd taken,
Annoys the hell out of me.

Sorry,
I can't predict what you're thinking
I might be denser than you'd imagined.
However, please don't expect me to know what you're thinking
The self-proclaimed "clever" one.

You always blame for others, but never thought of your noticeable mistakes.
You emphasized their flaws, but sees none of yours.

Here's one advise for you,
Never follow your heart
Take your brain with you too
Things won't go entirely smooth like you've imagined
So stay away from my lane
Mind your own business
Dont interfere
Never comment
Offensive or butthurt words
In my space

I know,
Legend says I'm a perfectionist
I can't tolerate bullshits like this
Your attitude towards everything. Is shit.

Lol

How should I say... Why am I feeling so thirst for love? It's really disgusting but damn, I'm imagining things like a normal teenage girl- crazy fantasies. Nope I'm not lovestruck, I'm not gonna admit it. But it really flutters my heart when someone , in particular, teases u, but in a sweet way. I don't know what are the hidden meaning behind that string of words. But alas, I felt overjoyed, like I had won a grand prize for the lottery when u personally talked to me. Love sucks.. I think i tend to like people who make the conversation comfortable. Comfortable silence and presence is all I need. It felt like home, secured and safe when I'm near you. Damn, I think I have a crush on that person! I don't know if that person will have the same feeling or am I just one sided. But I know, that person treats people nicely and have a lot of friends. Maybe he's just treating me nice, nothing much of the signs... let's see how things are going to be. :)

Tense

Damn it, you little brat.
I knew trial exam's already over, but still the public exam is still coming.
Why am I acting like I've had already taken the mandatory final exam???
Damn I'm pressured. Everyone is chewing on new knowledge but I'm here. Gripping on my phone. Denying the fact that I've many things to do...
Felt guilty, but helpless at the procrastinate...
And domestic problems added on my list of tension..

Stating my trial exam days as suckish would be an understatement.

I had hives before my physics test.
But I've discovered true friends who cared for me.

I was in an emotional wreck before trials. Having phobias, over thinking, scared of everything.
But I managed to cope with my emotions and control them better now.

Damn. It's a really shitty ride. Life seems to be suck, but there's always a bright side to every negative changes.

:*)

Everything's gonna be fine

Someday

Grief

This is my first experience of losing someone so important in my life. My grandma. It felt so surreal. Initially I was so shocked to hear this news. They could be kidding me, couldn't them?! I keep on denying the truth. The sharp memories of her last call with my mum recalled in my mind. Their last phone conversation was about her telling the doctor about her tiredness when doing household chores, but instead she told the doctor she wad tired doing "home work". My mum laughed at her choice of word. It was a typical daily conversation, we all thought. Then after 2 hours, grandpa described how frozen my grandma was. She was immortally cold. That's when she passed away, peacefully in her sleep..
We thought we could wait for this upcoming September to pay or grandparents a visit as they were anticipating for it, especially my grandma. But why, why so suddenly our last face-to-face meeting is at my hometown, facing her corpse.. we were all devastated. It's hard, I know. Death is really really unpredictable, inevitable. No one knows when is your last time with someone. Even the greatest person will face it, someday. We all can't see through the impending death. So we all tend to be selfish, self-centered. Because we take things for granted. Now, it's no use to cry over a split milk. There will forever be an empty spot in this heart puzzle. Incomplete yet emptiness surged in my heart. And those weren't just tears flowing down. Those were tears of regret, tears with a meaningful of memories. Heart aches. It's a really hard process to move on. That's life. Every incident teaches us a lesson. There's no use crying. We should be strong. After all, it's one part of a process in life.

Today I've kinda recovered from this trauma. Maybe, it's time to move on. Trials are really near. I need to gain positivity and reconciliate from the shock. I've accepted this. My grandmother will always be in my heart. Because good people will be remembered.. those memories will be treasured forever and I'm gonna mourn over the loss.
It's gonna be alright. Everything is gonna be okay.

And I didn't go to school today. Sleep deprived, and the reason behind it was obvious. So, yes it's alright. At least this is something I did to play the role of her granddaughter.

The old memories still imprinted vividly in my memory lane. Let bygones be bygones, for there's a future to go!!

Why ...

There are times when I have a strong urge to give up everything. It's a devastating moment when you didn't reap what you sow. I'm really disappointed with all stuff around me. Where are you guys when I need you the most? I can't even reach your messages when it's an emergency! I am really really disappointed. At least one of you apologize... I can't really blame you guys fully either. But nothing can really make me feel better after you gave me a reason that you were sleeping the entire time! I know I'm busting out my emotions now. I do think of giving up. But we had come so far till the point where we need to pass a round to be qualified into the finals. Then every responsibility pushed towards me. I had to do everything. I made sacrifices just to think of a suitable caption for the whole day! Just then I realised how long I havent touch my homework and revisions! For a whole day with no product, it's completely a waste! Damn trial exam is near! And I'm angry at myself for being such a dumbass for doing things that could cost me a lot of time. In the end I get nothing but only lost the time. I had lots of topics to cover up..... and recently my grades are dropping freaking rapidly. I don't know why but this sucks- I'm bad at time management and I'm procrastinating all the time!

Stupid me!! If there's ever an Oscar award for procrastinators, I would be nominated! I felt so damn guilty.... sorry that I've let you guys down..... I'm not as good as you think!!!

Another thing is when we attended a workshop this morning, I think i'm the only girl in the group who do things seriously. Then the rest are literally chatting and busying themselves with their phones. Some even looked at you the entire process, without providing any help. My friend helped me, but reluctantly. They complaint how wrong they were to select this workshop and they wished to join the bio workshop instead of this. They're really unhappy this entire process and told me not to be too serious in this. They viewed this event as something fun to pass time lol. Perhaps they didn't value the essence of that project. Me being the team leader was really disappointed to see these "uncollaborative" and lacking teamwork when in the midst of busying they all were gone out of sight! After finishing up some came to help us and the rest.... unbelievably took out their phones and snapped the project we, the minorities  made. Such a pathetic human being.
After all these hard works there's nothing in return... at least we got some snacks =_=
All I can say is I'm tired of this shit happening around me. Dealing with it sucks!!

I tend to complain a lot lol * bear with me

Numb

So the result is finally announced. I checked for any possibilities of my name to appear on that particular page, but my attempt proved futile. There's no trace of my name, meaning I've officially lost a great opportunity. Well, I do feel disappointed, but at the same time, I'm relieved. Relieved for the mass that had suppressed me for the past few weeks is finally over. Relieved that I won't be spending my time waiting nervously for the result and imagining impossible things. Nothing can really help this situation. There are 2 possibilities, either you lose or win. The former one is my current outcome. Maybe it's time for me to move on and forget about those ridiculous illogical dreams and go back to  face the reality. It's high time..... anyways, I'm glad to experience the 2nd interview in my life. Both of my interviews were awesome. I'm glad. There's more to come and hopefully I'll be adapted to the upcoming interviews.

@

During this not-so-long holiday, I tend to realise that there's a lot of knowledge I'm lack of. I thought I could remember the facts and formulas but when I recall those equations, there's a black space in my mind. This makes me feel so helpless, especially when I realised the biggest day is yet to be come. I'm quite scared, to the point that I don't know where to start my revision. It could be the consequence of my playfulness or ignorance for incoming knowledge. I'm here to remind myself: there's no much time left. This may be the last year for u to achieve ur dream.. lastly I hope I can get rid of my bad habits- nonetheless the procrastinating habit!!

Gahhhhhhhh

I get frustrated when I don't understand add maths!! Omggg exam is coming soon.... I'm still alive but barely breathing. Holy shit fuck this I'm so screwed up!!! Stupid brain stupid functionless mind!! Pls be active a bit leh I'm sipeh sien with u lar lol I hate u for being so dense!!

Annoyed yet helpless

Why am I getting those feelings again? They totally go against my beliefs... I wouldn't want to drag myself in trouble just like the past! Anxiety permeates in my mind and I can't comprehend the overwhelming feelings I have had now. Why things doesn't work in my way...? They all go opposed with my desired result. Am I too greedy to join every available contests although it was beyond my limits? Just to get extra marks for my damn curriculum, was my plan. Maybe at times you won't get what you want, instead you get the opposite. It's not a choice, but a consequence of greed and stupidity. And I had hot temper whenever I fail. Blaming others wasn't exactly the solution for covering my mistakes, but then I did it every time. I hate myself for being a stupid,hopeless, greedy, short tempered, sensational person!! Stupid me, I did worry too much over things coz they disturbed my thinking.. If life was simple I would not care anything and living like a happy dummy..

Fyi my add maths sucks!! Still confused with that particular chapter.. for short lasting effort and long lasting grunt. (Don't be like me kiddos) sighs/ and recently there are literally A LOT OF PEOPLE asking me how's my exam. And I would like to answer for one, but when there comes a bunch of them asking the same question, I GET FREAKING ANNOYED. Pls lah, my life is not just studying. And did I just leave u guys an impression of a nerd lol. Why most of the topics are about how's exam? How to do maths question?(This one I can tolerate) and everything related to studying! Damnit!!! Am I such a social nerd?? Oh shit I've realised that I could be.
And I do really really appreciate it if u guys don't think of me as 100% positive serious gal lol. I do have my entertainments. However, it's a sad case as nobody I knew appreciates kpop. It's a bless for such awesome music to exist in this weird world. But I don't have a kpop buddy in school. Maybe there's a few but damn idk them. Kpop is my major gateway when I'm stressed. Maybe that's why I feel like not fitting in with my peers as majority of them are experiencing crushes, watching Cmovies and listening to csongs. We had no common interest so maybe that's why I have few friends but still no common interest.
And I had to convince everyone that I'm not studying 24/7. I'm quite a lazy bum, to be honest. (I procrastinate, a lot) And no, you're not thinking that I'm bluffing, but this is the truth. Quite shocking, huh? Always bear in mind, study smartly not hardly. Geez this wasn't suppose to be a studying post lol. I hope this can somehow miraculously clear your BULLSHIT perceptions about me. Thank U so much.

Reality

Now I had realised, all these so-called love, is just infatuation. It's everyone's teenage dream, just to picture yourself and your crush happily living under the same roof.

Everyone seemed to believe in this fallacy. Nobody is perfect. It just happened to be your imaginations, running wild, while it's not the truth. The truth is, that one person making you go crazy on your mind, isn't as perfect than you've always believed in. It's a false perfect image pictured by the brain. Maybe we're in love with the person with ideal personality fitted into that person, not his/her personality itself.

Bts

Gosh, why bts had to be so damn good looking! They stole our hearts... and it's a serious crime to be so dangerously handsome!! They're so freaking perfect like oh my gosh did I just see jin's freaking blond hair I was stunned by his handsomeness! I thought he was just a mama in bts but he turns or to be the hot mama oh god my heart cannot contain the excitement!! Damn hobie is so alluring and cute and charming and sexy, remind me why did I have to like bts again, oh my god u see suga's images are damn door and cool which is like him and v omg he's flawless damn it my life is ruined by these bunch of handsome dorks who I didn't even meet in reality!!!! Why did them manage to cast a spell that will make me overdose whenever I watched their pictures and listen to their songs so damn magical oh god it feels so damn intoxicating, everything seems enchanted and fluffy unicorns sprinkles over the rainbow ~ it's so illegal to steal our hearts without any effort. Just one smile and boom, ovaries explode xD young forever makes me emotional and wanting to cry. It has this effect to make me feel terribly emotional........ they sung their heart to the song.. that's the part I like the most...  how can they be so perfect...... I wish time can stop to this beautiful moment and let us enjoy the life of sharing idols ....... they're human too. They get old too. I can't imagine the day where they became ahjussi and starts to part their ways.................. it's so damn heart aching!! Gosh :*(((( so we gotta live for the moment... as for now, although there are hardships, I believe this week be the most beautiful moment in our life..........hyyh..... bangtan oppas, ure the only group that makes me go emotional and happy and sad and every emotions........  hysterical they say. I'm proud to be an ARMY !!!!! Saranghaeyo, gomawoo, yeonwonghi haengbokkae <3

Oh shit my finger hurts! Somehow my attempt to balance my body was a success but I cracked my finger as a result.. wtf when I balled it into fist immediately the pain is so intense!! Damn!! Shit!!! Holy crap!! And FUCK ITS MY HANDWRITING FINGER DAMN IT

Stress

Honestly, I'm scared.. I've always been like this... But not sure is it migrane or not. I dislike swallowing painkillers to stop the pain, temporarily... But if I don't do that, the pain will be more intense.. what's wrong with my head? Especially when I'm revising then it goes rebel then headache forms. Is stress the cause? Sigh....

What's wrong with my health.... I felt my hair is slowly detaching.... when I comb it there will be a few strands falling..Is this the outcome of stress?

If the answer is yes, then I'm speechless.... maybe I've pressed myself out of my limits. But I do procrastinate more than studying... last minute preparation sucks

Fade

Years ago if this happens to me, I would be so damn elated
Wild thoughts would run
Heart beating rapidly
Face flushed red
But now all that left is just a sheer bit of happiness
nothing more than that.

Naively, I thought these so-called intoxicating feelings would last long,
But it doesn't.
Perhaps, this is what we called,
Feelings would fade.

Thoughts

You might see me smiling, but deep down I'm breaking into pieces. I hate to be emo but this is what I feel now. I never seemed to fit into my class. Maybe that's what they called, a leftover... the one who's often being neglected and ignored... I really hated crowded place, it makes me so uncomfortable. I want my own personal space, but at the same time I wished for someone to have the same weird introvert personality with mine. infp is my type of personality. I'm basically having a social anxiety and I couldn't deal with my impulsive feelings. I tend to be angry so fast these days and there's no reason behind my anger. I just felt like yelling and start a fight or sth that excites me.. I dreaded for a listening company... someone who don't view me as weird. Well that's just in my dreams.
Some things, we need to sacrifice....

So close yet so distant,
I can still remember those moments,
Which supposed to be a good memory,
But,
We're not friends, nor enemies,
Just strangers
With memories..

Maybe... we all start off as strangers.. but those brats will just live in their own world, don't even bothered to mingle with others..

What a pathetic life.

Screwed up

It's heart aching, especially when I've got no solutions to my add maths problems.. no matter how many times I've recalculated, the answer is still incorrect. Sometimes I don't understand myself.. failure supposed to be viewed as some motivation but, not with me. I need to accept the risk of failure not avoiding it by doing anything but solving problems. Hiding away is just a form of excuse. Little did I know there's more hardship to come.....

Voice out

Sigh.I think I've done some foolish and unwise act these past few days. I followed my heart's whispering and ignore my brain's rational thinking. In the end a lot of time is wasted n this leads me to zero work done. I'm procrastinating, in any means, by watching anime, surfing the web for no purpose when the exam is coming at this mid april!! Now it's time to face the music.. I suck at controlling my heart n follow my instinct. Watching my parents striving so awfully to earn more money while I'm still here doing nothing makes me feel terribly bad for myself.I wanna blame myself for being unproductive. Maybe I've disappointed them to core. I'm damn sorry but I think I need a reality slap to wake up from this illusion, where I got things without hard work. That's not going to happen. Hard work leads to success.I know this philosophy but I'm super lazy to kickstart. Guess I need a massive motivation...
And I felt great to be back!!

Overwhelmed

After watching every kpop broadcasts such as gayo daejuns, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. I just realise my life is painted with shades of colours. Being a kpop fan is genuinely the best choice. I've never regretted being a fan of many groups... Attending to kpop concerts and meet new fans, that's what I enjoyed the most. However, happy things won't last. Dreams will vanish as reality hits, which indicates I'm gonna face a major exam in my upper secondary life, known as SPM.

Watching kpop broadcasts from afar, I've been hit by a pang of reality, that the exam is going to come soon. Trapping myself in fantasy won't excuse me from taking that exam.. And so far I've come to realise that life is damn awesome without major exams and things to worry about. I've lived that moment, which is during the rose period of my life, aka my lower secondary life. I missed it so badly as that was when I had time to chase kpop idols. Now I don't. Life is too busy and the reality is harsh, sad to say.

2015 is going to end in a few minutes. Honestly, there's nothing remarkable happened in this year. Just some bad days, that's all. The bad days outweigh the good days.. So that's my conclusion. Apart from that, I'm grateful because I've made it through this year. I've challenged myself for a better change, to be braver but still in progress. I've got hurt by my silly thoughts, but everything's okay in the end. And I'm in love with BTS. It's a recent matter lol and I come to like them very much :) I think chasing idols are better than liking someone, just my opinion okay.  Obviously, I've got these experience throughout the year. But gladly I've chosen the kpop fandom life and I'm proud of myself. How I wish I can stop the time and do everything I've regretted. I regretted for procrastinating. But this is what I'm doing throughout this year. Yeah, something ineffective. I won't look forward to anything that'll happen in 2016, and I had no idea what will happen in the future. But there's a thing I know: I'm going for it. That's what my brain whispers. How I missed the good old days.... Sigh. And namjoon, please take care of yourself. ARMYs are worried.. 방판요빠 사랑해요..나는 당신이 그립습니다 😭 나는 당신의 콘서트 에 참석할 여정 💓